In 2005 I had a “good” job with the local government.  It’s the kind of job most people get and don’t leave until they retire.  The benefits are plentiful and cheap and the job itself is cake once you learn it.  No one expects you to do any more or any less than what is listed on your job description.  If you show up for work on time, leave when you’re supposed to, use your vacation time and don’t make any waves you’re virtually ensured of never being fired; unless, of course, budget cuts force a layoff.  But that’s a problem for a different time.  The public sector job is the road my mother traveled and it served her well, I think. She’s 62 years old and now enjoying retired life.  I couldn’t be happier for her, truly.  But that road wasn’t for me.  I grew bored quickly and after three and half years of service I came to work one day and gave notice.  I did not have another job lined up; in fact, I had no idea what I would do.  I gave my employer four weeks notice which gave them ample time to find a replacement and myself ample time to find another job. And I did find another job.  I went to work as an appeals coordinator for an insurance company.  That brought up a whole new set of issues. 

The best thing I can say about handling insurance appeals is that it was definitely never boring.  I was so busy that my days flew by before I had the time to even realize that they’d begun.  Of course, any insurance appeal means that some poor soul is being denied medical coverage.  I’ve learned that there are two things in life that most folks have no sense of humor about – their money and their health.  I cannot even tell you how many times I was yelled at by an insured who was not getting the drug their doctor told them they needed or a procedure they were sure was going to save their loved one’s life.  As disheartened as that job made me feel, it was actually the people who ran the insurance company that made me feel that I was selling my soul.  Their antiquated management style and focus on the bottom line rather than people left me feeling impotent and hopelessly unfulfilled.  So again, without having another job lined up, I gave notice. 

Five years later there are still times when I marvel at the fact that I had the guts to do that not once, but twice.  There are probably people out there who think that my actions were irresponsible; after all, I have a mortgage to pay and a dog to feed.  But I never felt irresponsible.  What I did feel was compelled to do something “more” with my life.  And I felt proud that I was able to see that this pattern I’d fallen into wasn’t working for me.  Instead of simply finding another job this time I decided to go back to school.  I was sure that having an education was going to open the doors necessary for me to have the life I wanted – a life full of purpose and meaning. 

Oh boy was I wrong. 

Almost two years after graduating from college not a weekday morning goes by that I don’t look at myself in the mirror before leaving for work and wince a little.  “Who have become and how did I get back here?” I ask myself.  It’s not that my job is awful.  Compared to the jobs I had previously my current job is gravy.  But I’m still a slave.  Every morning I wake up only to do what someone else wants me to do – my boss, my boss’ stakeholders, my customers…  It has been said that if you love what you do then you’ll never work a day in your life.  I don’t know very many people who have accomplished that though.  Sometimes when I get stopped at a light on my way to work in the morning I’ll look at the people driving the cars that pass in front of me.  I assume that they are on their way to their jobs too and I wonder, “Are they content with their lives?”

Most of my friends have families and they’re more concerned with soccer schedules, piano recitals and paying for their kids’ education than they are about their personal goals and ambitions.  They’re too busy to be bothered by such silly matters.  Sometimes I think that if I’d decided to get married and have a family that I wouldn’t be so concerned with things like self fulfillment and making the world a better place.  I wouldn’t be stuck asking myself, “Who am I?”

 Unfortunately, it seems that there are many people who just want to shove their point of view down your throat.  And they become downright rude (if not abusive) in the process.  For the record, name calling and smartass remarks will not further your argument in my mind and I doubt that I’m the only person who feels that way. 

 Perhaps, if more people listened with an open mind, showed respect for other and genuinely worked to find common ground the world would be a better place.  Why is that so hard for so many to do?

Example:  Consider you’re at a Vikings/Packers game in Minneapolis and a Green Bay fan gets up and starts shouting, “GO PACKERS”.  Considering he’s surrounded by Vikings fans and he’s on Viking turf, a Minnesota fan gets up, grabs a bottle of mustard and squirts it all over him.  Mustard is not harmless, it’s acidic and if it gets in your eyes it could blind you.  In addition, there are local police officers – who are Viking fans as well – who witness the entire incident and do nothing to stop it and do nothing to the man who assaulted the Packer fan.  The cultural norm in Viking Stadium is that the collective majority do not like the Packers.  But what the Viking fan did is wrong, he broke the law, yet he was not punished.  Is this truly democratic?  I don’t think it is. 

The inalienable rights of Americans are supposed to apply to ALL citizens yet so many times they seem to merely apply to the majority.  How is that fair?  It’s not.  In my opinion, that’s the thing about democracy – you have to really want it because it’s going to fight you.  There is always going to be someone whose values conflict with your own.  But just because they conflict, does that make them “wrong”?  No, it doesn’t.  Why have so many people become intolerant?  Was it 9/11 that did it, or did 9/11 simply make intolerance more acceptable? 

Robert Kennedy once said – “what is dangerous about extremist is not that they’re extreme, but that they are intolerant”.  I love those words because they are so true.  Take the American Flag – if you’re going to support a person’s right to wave the flag in the name of patriotism, then you have to also support a person’s right to burn the flag in protest.  If the government doesn’t support both sides then we, as a nation, are simply a hop, skip and a jump away from fascism.  At least that’s my belief.  It’s not about who is right and who is wrong, it’s about respect – respect for the right of each individual to have his or her own beliefs, whether they agree with your own or not. 

I’m not really sure exactly where I’m going with this, these are just thoughts that are floating around in my head.  I’m trying to make sense of it all and any input you can offer would be greatly appreciated. 

What did she destroy now, you ask.  Well, the other night I’m dinking around the house, doing my own thing and basically just peacefully enjoying my evening when I walk back into the living room to find my mobile phone on the floor.  Given Sammy’s history, my first thought was - SHIT!  Terror rushed through my body as I slowly approached my phone lying there lifeless on the floor.  “Oh God, please tell me she hasn’t chewed up my cell phone,” I pleaded but in my heart, I knew I was screwed.  The phone, my precious phone (I’m a bit addicted to my cell phone – my dog isn’t the only one with issues, okay) was covered in Sammy slobber and had holes in it.  I’m not talking about bite marks.  Oh no.  I mean actual holes.  I could see the internal wiring of the phone.  Son of a bitch!

In vain, I picked up the phone and showed it to Sammy while telling her sternly, “NO!”.  My second order of business was to make a hysterical phone call to my mother.  “How could she do this to me?!” I asked.  My mother’s attempts to assure me that she didn’t think Sammy did this to me did little to comfort me.  At this point, I’m not sure who I was more pissed at, Sammy or myself.  It’s not like she hadn’t give me plenty warnings that something like this could happen. 

 The second thing I did was call the mobile store to find out what my options were.  I talked to this dude (seriously, “dude” is the right word here.  He sounded like Wooderson in Dazed and Confused.  I found myself wondering if he was wearing pink pants and I kept waiting for him to ask me - “say man, you got a joint?” ).  Wooderson kept assuring me that their tech guy could probably fix it.  I tried to explain just how badly the phone was damaged yet he remained optimistic telling me, “man, you’d be surprised what he can fix”.  Yeah, okay, whatever.  After determining that the “tech guy” would be there at 10:30 the next day I decided that I should just enjoy the rest of my evening.  And by enjoying the rest of my evening I mean, I cracked open a beer and tried not to think about it anymore. 

At this point, it’s important to note that this was not one of those free phones that you get when you sign a new mobile contract.  Oh, no.  This was a very nice phone – bluetooth, GPS, internet, MP3 player, the whole nine yards.  I’d bought it right before I went back to college when I still had money.  And, of course, knowing that I was going back to college and that money would be tight I had decided to save myself a few bucks and had declined the optional phone insurance.  In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, Big mistake.  Big.  Huge. 

The next day I dragged myself to the mobile store where I’m asked, “can I help you?” by a guy who I instantly knew wasn’t Wooderson.  I hand him my once beautiful phone, he takes one look at it and asks, “Dog?”.  “Yeah,” I confirm.  “Do you have the insurance on it?”.  “Nope,” I reply.  He didn’t say anything else at that point.  He just walked over to a locked cabinet and pulled out a new phone that is exactly like the one Sammy decided to have for dinner the night before.  He then proceeds to start scanning bar codes from my old phone and the new phone into the computer.  I stood there wondering what he’s doing.  “Can you fix the phone?” I ask.  “Uh, no,” he answered.  (I told ya, Wooderson) 

Of course the store is packed with people and there’s a guy standing next to me buying a Blackberry.  The sales associate helping him asks him if he’d like to purchase the optional insurance on his phone and I suddenly find myself to be the poster child for purchasing the insurance.  I was beginning to think that I should get some commission on their insurance sales for the day. 

At this point, my situation has become the talk of the store and “Wooderson” comes over to ask if I’m the girl who called last night.  (he wasn’t wearing the pink pants but he did have the general look down).  I was asked what kind of dog I had more than once.  The salesman of few words tells me that he carries the same phone and has never seen anything that can chew through the steel case.  Yep, that’s my basset brat for ya. 

Fortunately God was smiling on me that day because when the salesman of few words ran the new phone through their system it told him that I didn’t owe any money.  What?!  Could it be, where my ears hearing this correctly?  Do I get to walk out of here with a brand new phone that is exactly like my old phone and not have to pay anything for it?!  Yep, that’s what I was hearing alright.  Woo hoo!  Of course when he asked me if I wanted the insurance on the new phone I quickly said, YES and tried to hurry him along before he realized that the system has made a mistake and I’d have to pay for the phone.   

To celebrate my good fortune in how all of this played out I decided to put a picture of Matthew McConaughey (if you didn’t know, he played Wooderson in the movie) on my phone as a screensaver.  I used to have a picture of Sammy as my screensaver but, for some reason, as much as I love her, I just don’t feel like looking at her when I go to use my phone anymore. 

1.  I’ll start things off a positive note.  I was very happy to watch Nancy Pelosi get sworn in as the first woman to be Speaker of the House.  I found her speech to be very positive and I’m hopeful that her intent to reach across party lines turns out to be more than propaganda…time will tell.  But, as a woman, who is also interested in politics, I find this to be a positive milestone for women in our country.  Washington needs to represent the interests of all citizens equally.  It’s also worthy to note that today marked the swearing in of the first Muslim representative. 

2.  For the last two nights I’ve had dreams about the BCS game.  I live in Iowa but my mother’s family is from Florida and let me tell you, we are a Gator family.  When the Bruins somehow managed to beat USC, it brought Florida one step closer to facing off with Ohio – it gave me a glimmer of hope that I’d thought had been lost.  Then, when it was announced that Florida officially had the game, I was so friggin’ excited that I could hardly contain myself.  But no one expects them to win.  I’m in a Bowl pool and I was doing pretty well but I had a bad day on New Year’s Day.  I lost every game that day, but I digress.  My point here is that I am the only person in my pool that picked Florida to win the game.  Yes, I realize that Ohio is having a damn good season and they’re going to be tough to beat, but I also know that Florida CAN beat them.  And God help me, I want Florida to win that game so badly!  (okay, I got that off my chest, now maybe I can dream about something else tonight…)    

3.  The job.  I start on Tuesday (she wanted me to start on Monday but, are you kidding me, that’s game day baby!) so I stopped out there today to pick up my schedule.  Okay, yes, I’m relieve to have a job.  The lights will stay on, my dog won’t starve, they’ll work around my class schedule, all is right with the world.  And it seems like a really great company to work for, they truly seem to appreciate their employees.  But omigod, I’m going to have to work so many nights and weekends and I haven’t worked a night or weekend in ten years.  The dread I feel is almost overwhelming.  I’m not trying to be whiny but yes, I’m whining.  (I’m lucky to have a job.  I’m lucky to have a job.  I’m lucky to have a job.)

4.  Massachusetts is currently the only state in which gay marriage is legal, yet it is currently looking as though a proposed ban on gay marriage is going to be on their ballot in 2008.  I’m not gay, but if I were, I’d like to think that I could have the same rights as other citizens.  And I can’t understand why people are so opposed to it except that it must be fear (go ahead, rip my ass on that one, really let me have it.  I’m waiting….).  If two people are in love and they want to spend their life together, who is that hurting?  There is enough hate in the world already – I’m all for spreading a little love around.  There have been lots of issuesin this country, that at one time, were not readily accepted by society - inter-rational marriage, divorce, “living in sin”.  Is this simply another issue that is fighting for its acceptance in our world or is this truly a divide that we cannot bridge?

5.  I hate to unload the dishwasher and it needs to be unloaded.  It’s sitting there, full of clean dishes, mocking me.  In the time it took me to write this post I could have had the dishwasher unloaded and loaded the dirty dishes that are sitting in the sink into it, but God help me, I’d rather clean the damn toilet than unload the friggin’ dishwasher. 

I think that’s it.  Now I think I’m going to rub my dog’s belly, watch a rerun of Friends, not unload the dishwasher and try to get rid of my headache.

Every day is an opportunity.  Happiness is not something we’re given – it’s something we achieve.  A year ago, I accepted that my fate lies in my hands and I took a leap of faith.  I quit my job.  I had no idea what I was going to do but I also believed in myself enough to know that I’d figure it out.  Instead of settling for yet another cubicle I decided to return to my education so that I could create a different life for myself.  This past year has not been easy.  There have been financial concerns.  There have been days that I questioned my decision.  But through it all I’ve had the love and support of my family and my friends.  They have held my hand, and even held me up, as I traveled this road.  I am incredibly fortunate.  I am surrounded by amazingly wonderful people.  And while I may be getting older, there’s still time.   

As I continued to look towards the sky last night, I realized that I am already free.  Although I still have the constraints and the emotional baggage and the fears, I don’t let them stop me from reaching for the moon.

This was the second time that I’ve had to take a drug test as a condition of employment but it is the first time that I felt violated in doing so.  Since I knew that I was going to have to produce a sample, I intentionally did not go to the bathroom before I left my house.  By the time I got to the lab I really had to go.  Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as just walking in, peeing in a cup and leaving.  Forms had to be signed, ID had to be handed over, more forms had to be signed and then it was… hurry up and wait.  I sat there for a half hour trying not think about how badly I needed to use the restroom and in an attempt to ease my pain I crossed my legs and began to shake my leg.  Then I wondered, is my inability to sit still because I have to pee so badly being construed by the people here as the actions of someone on drugs?!  I temporarily consoled myself when I remembered the test would be negative and then my honor would be restored.  But what if the lab makes an error?  What if my test is a false positive?  Oh Lord, the horror!  My good name would be sullied forever! 

Finally, I was called back to leave my specimen where more humiliation ensued.  For a second I thought I might be frisked, or worse, strip searched.  My coat had to be left outside the bathroom, I had to prove that there was nothing in my pants pockets and my purse stayed in the bathroom with me but it was locked in a cabinet.  My purse!  My life’s blood, my money, credit cards, ID (wait, no, the lab was still in possession of my ID), my day planner, my cell phone – MY WORLD was suddenly taken from me and was no longer within my control.  Horror again!  But at least, finally, I was able to pee.  Ah sweet relief, or so one would think.  There was no sink in the bathroom that I could use to wash my hands once I finished.  That meant that I had to touch a door knob that God only knows how many other unwashed, probably freshly peed on hands had touched before me.  Even now, I shudder at the thought.  I practically threw the cup of urine at the lab tech as I made a made dash for the soap and water.  And just as I finished drying my hands I was asked to initial the vial of my pee.  Finally, I’m free to go – oops, no, more forms to sign THEN I could leave. 

Once out the door I still found it difficult to relax.  The whole experience was humiliating.  After I finished running my errands I came home and decided to see what the ACLU thought of employer drug testing – they’re against it.  And now, so am I.  When I think of the personal information they could conceivably obtain just from having a sample of my urine it makes me sick to my stomach.  And what exactly does drug testing prove?  It seems that a lot of companies are requiring drug testing prior to employment these days.  Does this really make for hiring better employees?  All it really proves is that either the person being tested can refrain from using drugs for a few days and therefore drop a clean UA or that they’re stupid and can’t.  I’m not even sure that I want to work for a company that would require me to go through such an experience.  Too bad I need the money.  Unfortunatley, I feel like I just prostituted myself to get it.     

It has become nearly impossible for me to be doing only one thing at a time – ever.  At first I thought this was a good thing because let me tell ya, I can get a lot of stuff done in a relatively short amount of time.  But it’s gotten to the point where I’m now finding it difficult to relax.  I must always be doing several things at once.  My mother finds this quality to be silly, but then again my mother has raised the act of doing nothing to an artform.  In fact, she’s often said that she would right a book about how to do nothing guilt free – you know, if she weren’t so busy doing nothing.  Not that my mother is lazy, she’s not.  When she’s at work she is completely focused on her job and she works hard.  With her friends, she has a good time and when she’s relaxing, she’s relaxing.  How exactly she leaves her multitasking mental attitude at work everyday when she leaves at 5:00 is a mystery to me.  I, on the other hand, seem to have forgotten how to relax.  My mind has become so focused on getting as many things done (and done right) in the shortest amount of time possible that it’s forgotten how to just be.  Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m also trying to catch the news on TV and make a mental list of all the things I need to get done tomorrow. 

Sure, we all have a lot to get done these days.  But when multitasking doesn’t stay at the office and instead starts spilling over to other areas of our lives, chaos ensues.  We can only do so many things at once before our brains lose track of what we’re doing and mistakes get made.  The never-ending stress of constantly achieving takes it’s toll on our brains and our bodies.  Just take a look at all the ads for prescription sleeping pills and antidepressants.  Our lives have become so riddled with to-do lists that we’ve forgotten how to simply live life. 

Well I’m not really one to make resolutions but I think I’ll make an exception for 2007.  This year I’m going to add “just breathing” to my to-do list and maybe, just maybe, by December someone will say those words to me that most woman never want to her – you’re just like your mother. 

 Last year on NYE I had a date.  He was an okay guy (or so I thought – more on that later, I’m sure) but I really didn’t want to go out with him on NYE mostly because I thought it would send the wrong message – that “we” were more serious than I wanted him to think we were.  Yes, we’d been dating but spending a holiday with someone seemed a bit too committed for me.  In fact, when he first asked me out for the Big Night I told him no.  Unfortunately he kept asking until I finally agreed to go.  But I didn’t want to be there and I was kind of a bitch to him and his friends – well mostly I just ignored them while I chatted with other people at the bar, hey, there’s always room to make new friends, right?  (I should’ve just stuck with my original “NO”)  I regret not being friendlier to him and his friends – it wasn’t their fault that I’d said yes when I really meant no.  My point (and I do have one, I swear)?  Don’t start a new year doing something that you don’t want to do because, odds are that if you do, you’re going to regret it.   And who wants to start a new year with regrets?

So I think I will just stay home tonight with my beloved basset brat Sammy Jane and go to bed early.  That way, when I wake up tomorrow I won’t have a hangover OR any regrets. 

So look out 2007 – here I come!